MARTIAN'S MINUTE: June 6, 2019


Toronto holds off Steph's career-high to take a 2-1 lead

i think i stole this from The Denver Post; please don't sue me, or do, corporations can't kill me

You think Steph texted LeBron after the game and was like "I know how u felt man"? For the first time maybe ever, I think I was rooting for the Warriors last night. It was a super confusing feeling and I think the edibles may have had something to do with it, but the whole time I was thinking, "Fight back! This is your city, your series! Come on, Steph (and Boogie)!" Everybody is rooting for Toronto, and maybe it's my incessant need to be a contrarian, but I can't get myself to get fully behind them. There was a moment early in the first quarter in which I came to the realization that Toronto is (probably?) the deepest team in the league. Aside from the Warriors, they have the deepest starting-five in the league: Lowry, Green, Kawhi, Siakam, Gasol? That might be a dumb comment considering both are in the Finals, but Toronto's profundity didn't fully hit me until last night.

Toronto yet again thrived behind the totality of their roster. The key to railing off four-straight wins against Milwaukee in the ECF was solid performances from everybody and it's been working so far against Golden State. I'll add in the basic stats below so I don't have to re-type them all out:

Note that Ibaka had seven (!) blocks. Lol, just wait until I pull up the Warriors' team stats, they look nothing like that. If you watched the game last night, you already know that. And if you didn't watch the game, why? What's wrong with you? Kawhi keeps giving us evidence that he's 100% a robot, and it's kind of crazy to me that he could potentially be taking home his second Finals victory and second Finals' MVP; is he the second-best player in the league? LeBron is still at the top of my list. Danny Green was born to play in the Finals, the man has a 51.6% Finals three-point percentage. He was 6-10 from three last night and continues to hit beautiful threes; definitely one of my favorite shooting strokes in the league. Kyle Lowry and Marc Gasol both bounced back big-time after weak Game 2 performances and were massive factors in the 14-point win. How crazy is it that Jeremy Lin and Jodie Meeks played in the Finals before Melo? It's fucked up, man.

There's not much to say about the Warriors that hasn't already been said on every social media platform. Steph was obviously the best player on the court in the absence of KD and Klay, but it wasn't enough. He put up 47 (playoff career-high) points, eight boards, and seven assists; MVP-worthy numbers had they won. He was going balls-out on every play, hustled for boards, and tried his best to set up teammates for opportunities. Boogie was pretty much non-existent after his vital Game 2 showing, and Draymond didn't start scoring until it was too late. I think KD and Klay are both back for Game 4 on Friday; they can't go down 3-1.

Paul Pierce confirms he pooped himself during the infamous wheelchair incident

Here's the link to the confession. Shoutout Reddit for having literally everything. This has been a long-standing NBA conspiracy theory and we finally have the answer. Paul Pierce infamously exited Game 1 of the 2008 Finals with what appeared to be an injury and was wheelchaired off the court. It has been widely speculated that he wasn't hurt, as he later returned to the game and snapped, but rather shit himself. What a genius move. There's nothing worse than playing basketball and then all of a sudden it's poop time. I've had to leave games before to let the floodgates open; shit happens. If I was an NBA player, and a high-profile one in the Finals at that, and felt a big ol' poop coming, I'm easily faking an injury. He was wearing white shorts, too. Imagine if he had the wrong fall and it all just *whoosh*. I'm cracking up right now picturing that, an NBA player just shitting themselves mid-game. Twitter would eat that shit up, the player would have to either embrace himself as Poop-Man or retire and find solace in recluse.

This was the first time in my blogging career that I can just keep using the words "poop" and "shit" in a literal way. I've reached my pinnacle. Full Diaper Freestyle coming soon.


Mild High Club is mad groovy

As I was getting ready to embark on a two-minute stroll through the Ped Mall, which is terrifyingly filled to the brim with toddlers, to obtain some wings from DCs before being shot down and informed that we don't have Thursday lunches, even though I'm quite certain we do, I stumbled upon Mild High Club. I've been fiending for some new flavorful sounds lately and and I found Skiptracing while looking in my suggested music on Spotify. I've been listening to a lot of Mac DeMarco (shoutout Friedrich for putting me on Here Comes the Cowboy) and related "indie"-type stuff, so it makes sense that this popped up. I tossed it on because the cover captured my attention and right away I was kinda like "Oooh!". When I got back home, deprived of low-quality fried chicken, I finished the last quarter or so of a cone on the scorching porch like an investment banker whose wife just found his burner phone and now I'm really grooving. I did a quick Google and opened up a Pitchfork review of Skiptracing and it explained a lot: "Mild High Club is the solo act of Alex Brettin, a tourmate and disciple of Mac DeMarco’s sunny sound. On his sophomore album, Brettin finds a voice more distinctly his own." (Benjamin Scheim, Pitchfork) Makes sense why I like it. It took me a while to come around and really indulge in this indie, low-fi, psychedelic rock genre, but I'm super glad I did. It's awesome. The only downside is that I feel like I should live in Chacos and chain-smoke Camels while I surf the internet for exquisite, purchasable art.


I would like to announce my decision to try out for MasterChef

not even remotely close to what i made

I'm about to run down to "the studio" to record this intro because god damn is it already late (1:23 PM) and I have to go sling some sandwiches for a few hours. I should've taken pictures, but I didn't, because I just cooked up some gas tacos. I had the chicken in a skillet, rice cooking in a pan next to it, got the tortillas a little crispy, lightly coated them with salsa and hot sauce and mwulah, fire. With all this free time I've been granted (four days off next week lol, I need another job), I've taken it upon myself to get better in the kitchen. Being alive is expensive so if I'm going to fend for myself, I may as well have it taste good.