MARTIAN'S MINUTE: June 27, 2019



My AC wasn't working for about a week which was absolutely brutal. It felt like I was trapped in the middle of the Sahara and I had to combat it with like four fans to create a wind turbine-like vortex of artificial gusts of air. I finally got it fixed yesterday but the repairman simply replaced my fan with one that wasn't working in another unit upstairs. It kind of worked for the rest of the night but when I woke up this morning, it was shot. Now I'm sitting in my homemade windstorm because if I wander anywhere else in my apartment, my right pit is going to turn into a swamp. I don't know why, it always sweats more than the left one.


HOOPS


Kemba Walker is expected to sign with the Boston Celtics



The Boston Celtics have emerged as the front-runners to sign Charlotte Hornets point guard Kemba Walker in free agency, league sources tell ESPN.


Walker's eight-year career with the Hornets appears to be coming to a close, with owner Michael Jordan no longer determined to extend far enough financially to re-sign his franchise player, league sources tell ESPN.


Walker and his agent, Jeff Schwartz of Excel Sports, are expected to connect with Boston GM Danny Ainge sometime soon after free agency opens Sunday at 6 p.m., league sources say.

Walker, a three-time All-Star, is expected to be offered a four-year, $141 million contract from the Celtics -- a deal that he's increasingly likely to accept, league sources say. (Adrian Wojnarowski, ESPN)


Thanks for doing most of the work for me today, Woj. Lol, I just noticed that every sentence ends with "league sources say." I didn't see this coming but it makes a lot of sense. Kyrie is (probably) headed to Brooklyn, Al Horford is expected to leave, and Aron Baynes got traded to the Suns, leaving Boston with the cap space to sign a star to put alongside centerpieces Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown. Kemba will pose significantly less locker room issues than Kyrie, probably none at all. In terms of fit, I'm not really sure how it'd work out. They still have Gordon Hayward, and if they were to sign Kyrie, there will once again be a number of guys who thrive with the ball in their hands. Kemba isn't much of a distributor (5.9 assists per game last season) but he's also never really had great offensive players around him. He's really never had great players around him ever. If he were willing to pull back on his scoring a bit 25.6 PPG in 2018-19) and make final passes to Tatum and Brown, then this team is definitely a contender. If the Celtics were all on the same page last year they definitely could've won the championship and with an All-Star leader and excellent locker room guy, Boston can re-discover their Finals aspirations.


Houston trying to move players in an attempt to acquire Jimmy Butler



Butler would be eligible to sign a four-year, $140 million contract on the way to the Rockets, but Houston likely would need to include two of these players -- center Clint Capela, guard Eric Gordon and power forward P.J. Tucker -- to make the financial deal work, sources said.


Sources tell ESPN that the Rockets are offering the three players individually to teams with cap space to absorb salary, trying to acquire the best available first-round draft pick for any of those three, and hoping to redirect the pick to the 76ers in pursuit of a Butler sign-and-trade. (Adrian Wojnarowski, ESPN)


The Rockets are in win-now mode. I get it; Chris Paul is 34 and James Harden is nearing 30. While the Warriors have been their roadblock in winning a championship in the two seasons they've had CP3, the West is now seemingly anyone's to win and Houston wants to strike while the iron's hot. Harden is coming off a historic season and made it clear that he'll continue hunting for a championship. Houston believes that Jimmy Butler is the answer and while it looks great on paper, I just don't know how that would play out. Harden and CP3 were reported to have frequent arguments, especially towards the end of the season, and Butler has been known for his alpha presence; him forcing his way out of Minnesota will not be soon forgotten. It reminds me of the Bulls' Three Alphas in 2016-17: Jimmy, DWade, and Rondo. It was a rollercoaster of a season and it almost ended in a first-round defeat of the Celtics, but none of the players returned the following season. Chicago is headed back to the playoffs this season, though, mark my words! #RunWithUs


Who knows, maybe these three will bring out a new competitive spirit in each other and put the best versions of themselves on the court. It's reported that DeAndre Jordan is very interested in going to Houston, his hometown, and a roster of CP3, Harden, Jimmy, PJ Tucker (if he doesn't get traded), and Jordan is a really good squad, arguably better than this year's team. This is going to be a situation to keep your eye on.


BURBS


I can no longer remain silent



As I'm sure many of you know, Burbs was started by Hunter. We've almost been running this thing for a year and when it launched and it was just the two of us, he was great. He gave me the opportunity to have a platform and eventually a podcast but after we hit 1,000 followers on Instagram, something changed. I hate to just casually toss out the word "dictator" so I'm going to roll with "authoritarian tyrant". As the team grows, so does his anger. It went from "Great article!" and "Keep up the good work, guys!" to "Waaa, change my diaper," and "Retweet this, share this, tie my shoes because I don't know how!" We just want the old Hunt back.


Since I'm in Iowa City and Hunter is in Chicago, we have to primarily communicate through text. As the aggression and harassment increased, I decided to collect samples in case I ever had to come forward with this abuse of power. He's started running Burbs like a 1920s coal mine. Here are a few examples of Helen Hunt's sheer intolerance:





Do you see what I have to deal with on a daily basis? How can a 20-year-old man not be able to control his bowel movements at a full-time job? It's despicable. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like when we hit 2K. It's safe to say that everyone working for Burbs is terrified; will the reward ever outweigh the risks? Hopefully this gets picked up by some credible mainstream outlets like Fox News and The National Inquirer so that this despotism can be exposed on an international level. Did I want to be a whistleblower? No, but I had to do this. I did this for democracy. Thank God I got this off my chest; now you'll be able to see that "Hunter from Burbs" is embodying the second-coming of Saddam Hussein. If anyone wants to join my coup d'état to overthrow Cabela's Big Game Hunter, let me know.



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